August 9, 1997
Dear Mr Wonderful,
Is there any smell that could possibly be more orgasmic than that of baking bread?
Content in Crocodilopolis, Egypt
Dear Dr. Ruth,
Oh, hold on to your little white apron... Wonderful Labs decided to drop everything and do an absolute and final study on this deeply serious phenomena. We tried everything from baking breads to breaking beds. Every stone was turned, every tern was stoned. Aside from the spoonerisms there seem to have been no side effects of our quest to discover the hidden connexions twixt Orgasm and Odor.
At first we induced orgasm by any means and asked the subject what smell they were thinking of. That was pretty funny. Then we tried to induce orgasm by using smells alone. That took a lot longer, but luckily we had brought a book. After that, we took it into the streets and startled passers-by by opening vials under their noses and asking them if they felt like cuddling with us. In prison, we got to observe a lot of smells that are the exact opposite of orgasm. After posting bail, we went home and shook a tower. The first ominous signs of spoonerism were creeping in, perhaps Mother Nature's way of warning us not to trifle with her secrets (or Father Time saying, "Don't peddle with the mast"). Pressing on, we encased a man in a neoprene suit that gave him no olfactory input whatsoever and hocked him like a watch. Then it was time for a beer.
Science marches on... today's truths are tomorrow's myths are next week's godawful novel by Terry Brooks. The results are inconclusive, not to mention unprintable. The only thing to do is stand in your kitchen when you can, breathe deep when you like, and just try to remember: It's nice to have someone to share that bread with.