March 12, 2011, probably

Dear Mister Wonderful,

In the Doctor Who story “The Chase”, the Daleks have their own time machine with which to follow the Doctor. Fans have decided this machine is called a DARDIS. What does DARDIS stand for?

Yours in Camber Sands,

The Pharos Project


Dear Dish Heads,

Damned good question. Obviously, we can’t trust the word of the Daleks, because they’re bloody Daleks. They can’t even keep the story straight when it comes to the name of their entire original race. Let us then dismiss this bit of DARDIS graffiti, found burnt into the bathroom stall of a Dalek timeship drifting off the shoulder of Orion: “Daleks Awesome, R2 D2 Is Shite!

Trans-temporal archaeologists argue that the Daleks have never had much imagination, therefore any names they give travel devices will be prosaic and functional. “Diachronic Assault-Ready Distance Interval Shortener,” for instance. To which I reply: “Woman, I am naked, I am covered in marshmallow fluff, and I am ready. Enough about the Daleks!”

Speaking of being tied up during an academic conference, Stephen Hawking once wrote, “I wish I could get away from  boring old Cambridge, but I don’t have the time. I need to build an army to do my work, and my own escape vehicle complete with Discotheque And Randy Dames In Spacesuits.” It’s important, though, that we stop there before the Davros comparisons become more explicit.

In the end, the true answer lies with the secret architect behind the lost fleet. After careful bribery, we tracked down the renegade Time Lord Drax on the planet Atrios and he confirmed that he’d betrayed the Doctor and engineered these time pursuit ships because “Dalek money spends just as good.” He also said that DARDIS was his idea.

“I thought it was obvious. I made up the name from the initials: Does A Runner, Doesn’t It, Sunshine?”

I’m Mister Wonderful, I always Come Back