Mon, 13 Apr 1998

Dear Mister Wonderful,

        I don't know if you can help, but here is my situation: I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months.  Well, we knew each other for a month before we started "going out".  It's been fun, but now he is acting strange.  We hardly ever see each other anymore.  He doesn't call, and when he does, it's to tell me that I can call him. When we see each other at social events, he doesn't really seem more friendly to me than anyone else.  When confronted, he says it's just stress and that things will be okay soon.  I just don't know what to do. Is it over?  Why does he pretend there's nothing wrong?

        Oh, and he's a drummer.


Royal Crown Rebel


Dear Swingster,

        The only way we could bear to face your heart-breaking question was to go out and beat up on retired albino carpet cleaners for pocket change until we had enough for a bottle of Yoo-Hoo and fifth of bourbon.  But we decided to rent a movie first.  The movie we picked was Roadracers, a 50's teen-flick made with 90's actors.  It's directed by Robert Rodriguez and - oh, what a coincidence!- stars Salma Hayek.

        Like your situation, the movie is pretty disappointing, not to mention frustrating.  First off, Salma is not naked in any scene, not even the one where she goes "parking".  Plus, the thing seems to have been edited by mentally-challenged octopi wearing sunglasses and worrying about marital issues.  It's just a pacing nightmare.  And the biggest complaint we have about "Roadracers: Made For Showtime Cuz We're Cheap" is that after watching the thing for about three minutes we realized it was filmed in this very goddamn town!

        Oh my god! That's right!  Wonderful Labs is located about three blocks from where Salma Hayek and David Arquette bombed around in some horribly be-finned Roadster for hours and hours!  Salma Hayek!  Here!  Years ago!  And we missed it!  Where we walk every day!  Her!  There!  We once got hit by a car right across the street from the park where she gets molested by the bad guys! We've snuck into movies at the theater where her best friend works!  Take off your shoes, ye who visit Wonderlabs!  It's Holy Ground!

        Talk about mixed emotions.  On the one hand, you've got this precious thing, this rare thing, which only a handful of people ever experience and you get to honestly say you are privileged and enriched by even the little bit you can call yours.  On the other, there's this tremendous disappointment and rage, this sense that it could have been so much more.  That you missed something, that you were cheated, that life isn't fair and worse yet, it's your fault. Well listen: what's past is past. Maybe you haven't gotten everything; that doesn't mean you still can't get it. Forget the past, it doesn't exist. Embrace the now!  Embrace possibility!  So you missed a hundred opportunities -- there are a hundred more at the door! Power! Viva! Anything!

        So you see what you should do.