30 Sep 1997
Dear Mr Wonderful,
I am writing to inquire about any job openings that you may have at Wonderful Industries. I have had four years of expensive university education, and am very willing to do an internship at the Wonderful Labs; though my studies did not focus on Orgasmic Bread, my references will support my quick learning skills. They will also agree that I am an independent team player. Barring that (and with my luck . . .) I am also eager to apply for any openings at the Wonderful Tanning Salon as well as any other of your Wonderful venues.
I appreciate your time, and look forward to the opportunity to work for your Wonderful organization.
Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately, all out intern positions are currently filled by reincarnated fourteenth-century theologians and poets.
Staff positions are available. Be aware, however, that our selection process is a Patty-Hearst-like affair and your only warning that you have the job or are even being considered (whether you have contacted us or not) is the "zip" sound of duct tape in the middle of the night.
I might take this moment to tell you confidentially that your resume is very good and were we not the perverse bunch of animals we are, your name would be very high on our list. You mention that you are an independent team player, but are you also a self-starter who takes instructions well? A high level of simple paradox training is required for all management positions.
Mr. Malice wishes it to be known that he is looking for someone to wash his, er, things. Mr. Dark needs no one.