Fri, 01 Aug 1997

Dear Mister Wonderful,

Lately I've noticed that many past members of the Royal Shakespeare Company have made quite the name for themselves in mainstream American cinema. Patrick Stewart, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Malcolm McDowell, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, just to name some of the more famous. Now from being a frequent reader of your column, I KNOW that this is more than simple coincidence. What exactly is going on? And what role does Sir Alec Guinness play in this scheme?

Just Wondering


Dear Mr. Swann,

Oh indeed, you are correct. There is more to this than meets the eye. Evil forces are afoot, and shadowy puppet-masters call the tune. To wit, the Royal Shakespeare Company does not just train actors.

They also train Ninjas.

E'en as we speak, these black-garbed, silent bringers of death are sipping champagne and eating brie in Hollywood, biding their time until the Kage-sensei gives the order. What order, and to what end? Well you might ask...

The Royal 'Shakespeare' Company has but one aim, and one aim only: To retake the American Colonies in the name of Britain and her Queen. In 1945 they clandestinely met with the Emperor Tojo and compacted to exchange secrets of warfare for leniency. The Emperor gratefully sent three Masters to England's cold and rocky shores and thus was developed the ultimate para-military corps: the Deadly-Handed Thespians of the Royalist Shake Spear Company.

Sir Alec Guinness is, obviously, the Kage-sensei. Fittingly, the only hope for the United States is that Ewen MacGregor, he of the unpredictable Ma-ken-zi Highland fighting style, can be persuaded to join the fight. Without him, even John Wayne's ghost will be eating kippers by 1999.