Sun, 10 Aug 1997
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
I was at work today and a thought wiggled into my mind. I need your sagely answer. Why, when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, did they try to get all the King's horses to put him back together again? And why did they ask the horses before they asked the King's men? What kind of special craftsmen horses were these that knew enough about cholestersurgery that their advice was needed?
1) Have you met the King's men? Those guys make The Banana Splits look like Jackie Chan's stunt team. I'd call the King's octopi before relying on those jokers.
2) The King's horses had been getting deeper and deeper into illegal activities at the track. Insider information, hobbling opponents, betting on their own team-- it was worse than bad, and Dumpty was their point man. He kept track of everything. He paid the bribes, bought the PCP, put the head of an Italian in the stall of a quarter-horse who wouldn't play along, basically he knew where all the needles were buried. He had it set up, though, so that if he got whacked all his files would go straight to his Majesty. The horses were on the scene first because their lives depended on their homey making it. As there weren't nothing they could do, most of 'em are on their way to France.