Fri, 08 Aug 1997

Dr Mister One-deer-full,

Dear Abby won't listen to me, so I am turning in distress to you. My sister is ten zillion times prettier than me, and all the boys I fall for are more interested in Sis than in me. How can I salvage my squooshy self-esteem?

In Agony,

Fiona Seal

Sesame Street, SA

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Dear Ms. Judd,

Have you considered conquering a small nation? Tactical maneuvers and military strategy can be very uplifting when they pay off. Just ask Mao Tse Tung. You can't, because he's dead. But imagine if you could-- the implications are astounding! You could tour with an entire entourage of revived late statesmen, giving interviews and sword-swallowing. Well, whatever. LBJ would be better at spinning plates. Five shows a day! And then you could sell the television rights, put together a prime-time special: DEATH CAN'T HOLD US BACK, AMERICA! and get on Letterman to promote it! Meanwhile, bad scientists would be chasing you all over, trying to steal the formula, but with the help of your plucky dead friends, they'd all be foiled.

I'd suggest Denmark.

SMASHING WONDERFUL

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