Mon Jun 23 , 1997

My Darling Wonderful,

I have eaten far too much chocolate today and am feeling rather giddy. I just got done with reading all the past columns on your web site and was laughing rather too hard to see at some points. But enough buttering you up; I have an important question.

I watched a movie called Looking for Richard tonight, a quasi-documentary in which Al Pacino and a cast of awfully good actors put on Richard III (by our friend Billy) and simultaneously explain what the hell the play is about. Kevin Spacey of Verbal-the-gimpy-sexpot-Kint is in it (be still my heart) as well as other big names. Highly reccommended by me.

My question is, why the hell did they cast Winona The Wuss Ryder in this play? she really just is a very poor actor and detracts from everyone. Does she get into movies 'cause she's cute or what? She ain't even that cute by my reckoning; maybe if she was more of a crippled criminal mastermind . . .

So what's up with Whine-ona?


Coco Puff


Dear Mrs. Kobyashi,

There is not enough butter in the world.

As to the tragic case of Ms. Winona Ryder: as we all know, she was born into a privileged family, exposed to such luminaries as Allen Ginsberg, Timothy Leary and Dennis Hopper from an early age. It is clear her parents groomed her to be a celebrity child; she was forced to read Catcher in the Rye every day at gunpoint. Instead of turning immediately to substance abuse, however, the young Ryder made a couple of motion pictures, the most entertaining of which is, of course, Heathers, where she is nearly killed by a Jack Nicholson impersonator.

The reason her films and performances are not as entertaining these days, and not incidentally the reason her ouevre now reads like an index of Great Books of Western Literature, not to mention why she'll never be Jodie Foster and is ready to assassinate Alicia "three-picture-deal Producer at 19" Silverstone, is that she is quite literally not the girl she once was. Timothy Leary, learning of his advanced cancer, paid two million dollars to have his brain transplanted into the young girl's body.

Apparently Alien Resurrection will be full of inside jokes on this topic. Stay tuned.