Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Some of my friends and I are trying to organize a 20th anniversary celebration for a club we are part of. We seem to be having a minor problem getting the address of "differently active" members because, as alumni, they haven't updated their old files. One guy who I know lived in California for the last god knows how long is still listed as living in New Hampshire. Do you have any advice for hunting down these erstwhile members? Also do Misters Dark and Malice have any recommend torments for these people who are too lazy to update a simple address?
THE DARK AND MALICE 2000 GUIDE TO HUNTING PEOPLE DOWN:
1) Dress fashionably. This means sunglasses and gloves.
2) Travel to your party's last known city of residence.
3) Set fire to said city, by any means at your disposal.
4) Keep an eye on the fleeing masses. Should your party smolder past, grab them.
5) If this doesn't work, "interview" any other survivors to discover which town you should visit next.
6) Leather, rinse leather, repeat.
(Mister Dark and Mister Malice are businessmen who have successfully collected debts from individuals in London, San Francisco, Chicago, Los Angeles, Sodom, and Gomorrah.)
THE DARK AND MALICE 2000 TORTURE BOUTIQUE (highlights)
(1) FROWNING TROUSERS
No Inquisition is complete without these hilarious scrotum squishers from D&M! Hand sewn and lovingly crafted from space-age technology, these little buddies contract slooooowly in the presence of body heat. Let your victim run away for added laughs!
(2) PERCY'S OLD VINDALOO
Sometimes, just slicing a heretic open won't make him give up and admit he loves Satan. And deeper cuts just kill. What you need is a little P.O.V.! Rubbed lightly on open wounds, or poured directly into the eyes, P.O.V. sends tremendous amounts of fresh, searing pain down your "clients" frayed nerves! Prevents healing and really loosens up those vocal cords!
(3) TRUNK OF BROKEN GLASS
A Classic! Toss them in, throw the trunk on the back of your carriage and go for a ride! Minimum fuss and maximum results with this fully guaranteed item from D&M!
(4) THE FRUSTRATOR (multiple volumes)
Brand New! Carefully edited six-hour videotapes containing dozens of episodes of top-rated mystery and suspense programs & movies -- all with at least ten minutes missing! Your victims watch Homicide, The X-Files, Aliens, Shallow Grave, and many more -- without ever knowing whodunnit or how it ends! Best if used in conjunction with Item #426b "Clockwork Orange Eyes".
Hope this helps.