Tue, 24 Jul 2001

So, Mr. W.,

Knowing my personal history as you do, you may be the only one to shed light on this subject.

I currently work at a movie theater. All of our floor employees are between the ages of 16 and 22 (give or take). I make movie references. None of the young 'uns have even heard of these movies I've thrown out. I feel old and alone. But then, there is a bright spot. My boss is 4 years older than I. He not only understands these references, he can reply and start anew. His brain has retained the words to 70's commercials and TV shows, and he even dropped a Bill Cosby "Buck Buck" reference the other day.

My question is this - Have I found an older brother that I have never known? I mentioned this to my parents and they changed the subject.

Just Wondering


Dear JW,

Your parents hold their tongues for fear of disturbing the space-time continuum. This "older man" is not a long lost brother - he is in fact your son!

January 24th, 2019... they called it "Judgement Day". The day the Puritans took over. Years of tension between "Hollywood" and the Establishment threatened to spill over into open warfare with the release of Kevin Smith's Star Wars, Episode IX: MASTURBATION OF THE SITH, so the forces of blame and recrimination launched an unstoppable first strike - The Culture Bomb. Some say that Smith's film was the real bomb, and Smith himself an uncreative agent of the mind melters; sadly, all evidence was lost in the ensuing holocaust.

Within seconds, 85% of the nation's memorabilia was destroyed. Nanite razor demons sliced through the cities, reconfiguring reality to a bland and unblamable homogeneity. Bookstores were gutted in a twinkling, bare shelves in the place of Vonnegut, Adams, Rimbaud, Sexton, King and the like. They assassinated Prince in his Minneapolis retreat, leaving the word "GORE" in bloody handprints on the wall. Mapplethorpes melted in mutated museums, draining down the plughole with Breughel and Bosch. Every copy of Harold and Maude developed an annoying buzz that made it unwatchable. KISS tribute bands exploded on stage. Revival movie houses shattered in mid-"Logan's Run" and were swallowed by the earth. The off-color and the uneasily understood were whitewashed and boxed, shipped off to Orwell's Memory Hole, although no one was really sure to what that referred.

Mankind was devastated by the loss of its nightmares and wet dreams, its popular culture so rich in the things of the populus that those in ivory towers and five-sided buildings had lost touch with generations before. Haunted by a void in the mind, the majority gave up and went to sleep that sleep of black and white puppies and grey rainbows. But a remnant fought on, trying to preserve the entertainment of their fathers. They told stories and swapped jokes and struck where they could, and then they discovered a means to send a man back to actually experience the lost world - a man genetically predisposed to absorb every pop culture reference possible in his lint trap brain - Jeffrey Just Wondering, back in time!!

It will only happen if you let it happen.