Tue, 30 Oct 2001

Dear Mister Wonderful,

This friend of mine recently turned to me in a record score and held up some drawings of satanic nudie girls and said, "Am I a sexist pig for liking this stuff?"

Yikes! It was like a psychoanalytical/feminist ambush! What does one do in such a situation?

Yours in befuddlement,

Fully Clothed Semi-Pagan Grrl

____________________

Dear Bride of the Mummy,

HEARD 'ROUND THE WATERCOOLER:

"Mornin' Sam."

"Mornin' Ralph."

"You read Mister Wonderful's Advice Column today?"

"Naw. Too long, as usual."

"Yeah... I just skim 'em myself. Apparently he got ambushed by some psycho feminists."

"Serves him right."

"Yep. Seems there was a nude pig involved."

"That's not surprising. Pigs don't generally wear clothes."

"And yet they sunburn so easily. Teasing minxes."

"You're still drinking in the morning, aren't you, Ralph?"

"Fuck off. I hope my wife never comes back."

The first step in answering a difficult question is Avoidance. Change the subject, cough tuberculitically, make a non sequitur reference, start laughing uncontrollably, do a little dance, kick over a burning brazier, whatever it takes. Just make sure you can plausibly claim to have forgotten the question moments later.

Where was I? Oh yes, asparagus. Have you considered answering the question with another question, thrusting the psychic burden back to the interrogator?

Another good idea, depending on your situation, might be to give a noncommittal answer, if that's your sort of thing. It's up to you, really.

Avoid answers that require "negative action." In other words, don't tell someone what not to do. And never make vague implications, if you know what I mean.

No matter what, in the end, smile confidently and let them know you're glad they asked. Do this sweetly enough and they'll forget that you haven't actually told them anything. By the way, thank you for choosing Wonderful Labs as your etiquette source. Kiss kiss, my lovelies.

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON WONDER

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