Sun, 05 Apr 1998
Dear Mighty Triumvirate--
Your response to the Winnie-the-Pooh Battle Royal inspired me. Open up to the comics page of your local newspaper (it'll only hurt for a minute; most of them have been defanged). Now that The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bloom County/Outland are gone, should all the entire comics page get into a free-for-all, which character(s) from the remaining sorry strips would still be alive at the end? And who would have the honor of braining those little round-headed Family Circus twerps?
--The Man With The Sticky Crotch
Dear Peg O' My Heart,
Mister Wonderful's local paper has a mind-maddening two(2) pages of "comic" strips; it's like crafts day in the Black Hole of Calcutta. Still, with the help of our trusty sherpa-trained masseuse Ricky, we made it back with this highly academic and scholarly report.
To weed out the playing field, we dismissed most of the one panel cartoons (a.k.a. Gary Larson's Band Wagoneers) on the grounds they don't have recurring characters you'd recognize. We also sent home a bunch of newer strips, on the grounds that we couldn't think of anything funny. And yet a boatload of newsprint remained. So the carnage begins...
Animal acts start the show. Right off the bat, Garfield bites the heads off the two weird things from "Mutts".
Then Heathcliff walks into the ring and the two fat, smelly beasts explode, being matter/anti-matter versions of each other.
Marmaduke stands tall for a minute, but is then brought down by a combination of Citizen Dog, Grimm and that racoon from "Over the Hedge".
They tear him to pieces, but are ruined themselves when boozing birds from "Shoe" fly overhead and drown them in excrement.
The redneck from "Crankshaft" takes the birds out with buckshot from his thirty-aught six.
The Legionnaires from "Crock" return fire but when the smoke clears, it's Drabble with his dad's nine-millimeter still standing.
So Rex Morgan, M.D. creeps up behind him and jabs him with a hypodermic full of sulfuric acid.
Dr. Katz leaps screaming onto the rival doctor's back, beating him senseless with a Woody Allen screenplay.
Spiderman uses his incredible powers of stasis to make sure nothing happens at all for several years (Dear lord, is possible to make three panels more boring?) and Katz dies of a stroke.
Momma impersonates Spiderman's Aunt May and sends him into convulsions when she bares her breasts.
Mary Worth and the Fat Broad from "B.C." reveal that they are sisters and team-up, crushing Momma between them.
They turn on each other in a brutal frenzy, however, when Dagwood sets a sandwich in the middle of the arena.
Unfortunately for Bumstead, he is swiftly beaten and castrated by the desperate females of "9 Chickweed Lane".
They are no match for Cathy, though, as she drives paper spindles into their thighs, all the while howling for donuts like a banshee.
Sylvia uses her hypnotic ability to talk about nothing at all and make absolutely no sense yet appear intellectual and "alternative" to drive the already neurotic Cathy over the edge and have her committed for life.
Sally Forth counters the faux-surreal aura of Sylvia with her own intense banality, then slaps her silly with a spatula.
Michael from "For Better or For Worse" re-animates the corpse of their dead dog and sends the hell-bound beast on mission of destruction, thus avoiding the bad-art zone of Sally Forth himself.
But he accepts an invitation to a frat party at Apt. 3-G, and passes out in a puddle of his own puke there.
A renegade "Bizarro" character who didn't leave when we made the first cut kicks over a lamp at Apt. 3-G, setting fire to the place.
Fire engines are dispatched, but arrive too late because they follow a map drawn by Little Billy.
The Family Circus Cabal stands tall in their little circle of wholesome power for a time, but then they are suddenly pelted with rocks, strangled with kite string, beaten with bats, savaged by beagle teeth, anally-invaded with footballs and smothered in blankets. Charlie Brown has come to town.