Mon, 04 Dec 2000

Dear Mr Wonderful,

Since humans are typically so good at making up new words for every friggin' thing they see, invent, or discover, why do so many people have the same name?


Sirhan Sirhan


Dear Ed, Edd, and Eddy,

So... what you're saying is that when two people create a new life, they should use the inventiveness and language-play that humans are known for and come up with an entirely new and appropriate name for their offspring, much in the way Adam did with the entirety of the plant and animal kingdoms, per his mandate from Jehovah?

Boy are you optimistic. I mean, for one thing, half these people have the same password on AOL. The other half can't remember their ATM PIN. Most of them couldn't tell you what AOL, ATM or PIN stand for. If you tried to give them all individual names, you'd run out of synonyms for "Moron" right quick.

The creative people name what they see ("Ooh, that's so...I don't know, descrumptifunctilious!"), the scientists name what they invent ("I think I'll call it Hot Air Move People Contraption. What's that in Latin?"), and the explorers name what they discover ("I have just come from the Me Valley, so-called because that's who found it."). The rest of humanity just waits to see if it has a cool logo. Not so great at the nomenclature thing as you may have been led to believe.

And besides, the point is moot. Everyone already has a personal and unique name. It may not be what they're called, and they may not ever figure out what it is. But it fits like a glove, and drives you like you was a Formula One. Archibald Leach found Cary Grant. George Gordon stumbled over Lord Byron. Samuel Clemens sank to Mark Twain. It is unpredictable, unknowable and I'm probably just making it up.

Let me tell you though, once you discover your secret name, you just want to run right out and set up a Laboratory.


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