Tue, 05 Dec 2000

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Aren't you the original Dubya? Are you planning to take Bush to court for infringing on your intellectual property?


Legal Eagle


Dear Sam,

How thoughtful of you... it's been so long since anyone's given me a barrel full of fish. Let me quick fetch my shotgun.

I mean... the fact that you used "Bush" and "intellectual" in the same sentence. That's rich. A humorist such as myself could really go places with that. Or maybe I'd flip things and talk about infringing on some Bush myself someday. Or we could rant on the whole "Dubya" thing; I would disavow any claim to such a moniker, insisting that it is only used by inbred yahoos with drooling pieholes and no respect for the inverted miraculum magisterium, the 23rd letter, the Double-You. That'd get some laughs, and maybe teach us all something, too.

But I think we'll go with self-effacing tonight. I'm feeling mellow.

The fact is, my lawsuit would not stand up in court. If I claim that Dubya Bush is stealing my intellectual property it would be the work of moments for the defense to point out that one cannot steal what is given away freely every day.

They would point to my saucy words, my come-hither bon mots, my large vocabulary. They would bring out witnesses to testify that they had been getting intellectual jollies from me for over three years, sometimes eleven times a day, and never had to pay a dime. They would argue that I answer queries indiscriminately, for there are surely some real clunkers in the archives that should have been put down like foamy dogs. And finally, although it would be objected to and stricken from the record but not the minds of the jury, they would let slip the scarlet words: "Wisdom Slut."

I just don't think I could go through with that. I have to think of the children.