Wed, 15 Apr 1998
Dear Mr W,
I love your deathly free-for-alls, and this last comics page one had me rolling with laughter. I wish I were better acquainted with popular culture so I could suggest one myself . . . has the Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland Massacre been done yet?
Oooh, twist my arm.
First off, we're gonna open the playing field to include Looking Glass participants as well. No sense missing an easy Humpty Dumpty joke due to pedantry. We won't be including characters from Jeff Noon's excellent Automated Alice because Mister Wonderful is apparently the only person alive who's read the damn thing. So strap on your big hats, cue up the Jefferson Airplane, settle back into the fluffiest chair you've got, (you know where to put the ball)... Down the steel-cage hole we go:
Old reliables, the Lion and The Unicorn beat each other around the town until the Lion swipes underneath with his mighty paws and disembowels the freakish horse, who, let's face it, hasn't got much going in the ferocious weapons department, no matter what Gary Gygax says.
Enter the White Knight backwards. He immediately falls off his horse and onto the Lion, crushing the feline outright.
Dozens of hedgehogs rush out and swarm over the prone Knight, suffocating him.
The White Rabbit whistles seductively, pulling up his pant leg, then brains each hedgehog as they ask how much.
The March Hare grabs the White Rabbit by the watch fob and head-butts him. Then he smears him with the very best butter and boots him down the hall.
The Card Court deal themselves as Aces and Eights to the Hare, and a passing gunfighter shoots him in the back.
The Queen of Hearts orders her Card Court to take off everyone's head, but they rise in bloody revolution. She takes them on personally, then, and rips every last one in two.
The King of Hearts can't take it anymore and stabs his sword into his Queen, shouting something about wire hangers.
The Knave of Hearts has the King declared mentally unstable and assumes the Kingdom in a palace coup.
He has no army, however, and is easily invaded and captured by the White Queen.
The Red Queen tells the White Queen her shoelace is untied, then punches her in the nose.
The White King rounds up all his men and gets them to shake the Red Queen into a kitten. She goes pretty willingly.
The Red King wakes up, then blinks out of existence, because it turns out he was only dreaming himself.
The Duchess and her cook poison the White King with pepper.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee marry the Duchess and her cook, then murder them on the honeymoon for the insurance dough.
The Dodo wanders into the fray; T & T give themselves heart attacks laughing so hard, the fat bastards.
The Frog Footman points out that the Dodo is a pretty poor authourial thimble and the extinct bird disappears in embarrassment.
The Fish Footman just kicks the Frog Footman's ass.
The Cheshire Cat predictably eats the Fish Footman, bones and all.
The Caterpillar blows smoke in the Cat's face, then reaches into his mouth, grabs his tail and turns him inside out.
Bill the Lizard turns narc on the Caterpillar and sends him up the river for twenty years.
The Dormouse falls asleep in Bill's path, then wakes up and gnaws his ankles off.
The Mock Turtle waits for the Dormouse to sleep again, then turns him into a handbag.
Humpty Dumpty challenges the Mock Turtle to a poetry contest -- then has all the King's men come over and waste him.
The Mad Hatter throws an Oddjob-style razored bowler over the wall, shearing off the top of Humpty Dumpty, spilling albumen and yolk everywhere.
Alice, her blonde hair loose, her skirt raised, rolls her white stockings down her legs slowly and the Hatter has a stroke.
Alice celebrates her victory with a piece of cake, but immediately starts growing. The inverse-square law kicks into play and she soon cannot support her own weight, her increasingly brittle bones snapping like falling redwoods.
And so all that is left is a baked good what says "EAT ME".