Tue, 06 Nov 2001

Dear Mr Wonderful,

If you and I were in a Relationship, and Bill Gates offered me 0.01% of his annual income to have sex with him, and I did, would you break up with me? Or would you be happy that we'd have more money to play with? Or would you be frightened that I'd effectively just slept with a contemporary version of Hitler? Or would you be happy because we could use the money to find a means to destroy Gates' empire? Would that be a breach of monogamy, or is it different when "selling" one's body if one needs (or can strongly use) the cash?

Sincerely yours,

Will Work For 0.01% of Gates' income


Dear Buddy Can You Spare a Diamond,

Dude, I'd break up with you if you shook Bill Gates' hand.

You know that old saw about power tending to corrupt, etc.? Yeah. By now Mr. Gates is that slippy, shunky, cringly stuff towards the back of the fridge in the orange Tupperware bowl that you don't dare open, for the love of god, never open it, for you have no idea what it started out as, no recollection at all of having stored any leftovers in that bowl, but whatever it is now you are glad the lid on this Tupperware is opaque because you can hear, well, just slightly, hear a sort of fuzzy squishing clunk when you accidentally knock the egg carton against it, and you do not want to know, no, not at all, what mutations have occurred in there, what has managed to grow in the frigid recesses behind the cold cuts, what can now be said to live in this bowl that might not have started out orange, because sometimes, late at night, you have trouble sleeping, y'know, and hear tiny insistent tapping sounds from down the hall, not loud enough to be knocking and always arrhythmic, and of course it's nothing, but, but, but, if you had ever seen inside that bowl, you might start to imagine that dank mess of spider filaments and gelatinous organelles pushing and straining its way out of that Arctic tomb and making its way across the tiles of your kitchen floor, searching blindly for its creator...

Frankly, you'd be lucky if I didn't set fire to you and pour Holy Water on the ashes after breaking up. Just saying.

Money does not give you a moral hall pass.