Tue, 07 Jan 2003

Dear Mister Wonderful,

I am having some problems with the concept of this possible upcoming War with Iraq. I mean, I realize that our current leader, Mister GWB, is trying to push for a war. The only problem is, I do think that it is possible that Iraq may have evil weapons, and might use them. But I am completely opposed to war. What do I do?


Love my Country, Despise my Leader


Dear Lee,

You can have all the problems with the concept you want - I'm having problems with the, y'know, blood.

Still, one mustn't get too fraught over such matters - as I may have said before: "Let a hippopotamus be your umbrella." Yes. It was Paris, I believe, and I was in the Cabaret Voltaire with Tristan Tzara and his fellow Dadaists discussing the futility of reason in the face of unrelenting World War Machines when Hugo stood up and roared, "Blago Bung! Blago Bung! Bosso Fattako!" to which I replied, "Beep doop, old boy, but it's still your round."

Mind you, there's nothing like a Parisian Hippo when the going gets wet.

Speaking of sex - as I may have said before: "Let a pornographer be your ballistic missile." Smuggle one copy of Russ Meyer's Beyond The Valley of the Dolls into Baghdad and I guarantee rioting within 14 hours. The Iraqis simply have not developed any technology to counter Western smut, nor do they possess any sufficient stockpiles of breast implants. Their penile enhancements are a joke. Well, to be fair, so are the Italians'.

My point? Newscasters these days say "possible war with Iraq" with the same perfunctory tone used for "alleged killer." It'd be embarrassing for everyone now if they had to call the fighting off due to lack of pretense.

It's like the next Star Wars film. Everyone knows that even if the concept is sound, the people running the show are gonna bungle it again, it's gonna suck, you'll wish you could have that time back and yet! Millions will delude themselves that they got what they wanted, rather than admit the Emperor has no Mandalorian Armor.

What should you do? Whatever your political stripes or views on X-Treme Violence, take a little time to mock. Mock shit up. Mock like you are Samuel L. Jackson in a disco with leather pants and a wallet that says "Bad Mothermocker." You'll feel better, and they can't arrest you for it yet.

WONDERFUL LABS - Let Them Look for Gold; We're Panning for Irony