Sun, 25 Oct 1998
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
My girlfriend thinks my ass tastes like shit, while I believe it tastes like a vegetarian pita bread sandwich with feta and hummus and olive oil. And calimata olives. And tomatoes. Vegetarian, mind you, not vegan.
Who is correct?
the Man Who Ate Rasputin's Ass
Dear Frugal Gourmet,
An informal survey of Wonderful Labs employees and their significant others yields these not-very-surprising results:
90% have never eaten ass.
Of those who have never eaten ass:
75% are not impressed by the argument, "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?"
99% would not try it on a train.
99% would not try it on a plane.
87% would not try it in the rain.
10% could, and would, with a goat.
66% feel that the readers are becoming jaded and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
2% said, "That's not right."
13% wonder how you managed to taste your own ass, and if you are merely speculating, you should stop contradicting those with experience.
93% wanted us to know that they would definitely expect combat pay if they had to taste your ass.
27% don't like hummus.
All of which reaffirms the basic principle by which we settle aesthetic debates here in the Labs, to wit: "Taste is in the ass of the beholder." Your girlfriend is right, and so are you. Maybe she had a stroke, cross-checking her nervous system into the boards. Sadly enough, if she doesn't like your ass, she doesn't have to eat it.
And if anyone can translate that basic principle into Latin, I'd laugh for days.