Mon, 23 Nov 1998
Dear Misters Wonderful, Dark, and Marshmallow,
Re-use, Re-new, Re-cycle. How many uses can you guys think of for the plastic grocery bags that pile up in kitchen corners?
With a nice pot of tea,
This was almost too easy, so we had to make up a couple rules:
Only five suggestions each.
No biting or eye-gouging.
No one gets to make the obvious children's toys joke.
a) Wonderful™ brand Ultra-thin Elephant Condoms
b) Mister Wonderful's™ Handy Dandy Rain Hats
c) Miss Wonderful™ Hair-dye Accessories Carrying Bag and Setting Cap
d) Wonderiffic™ Glue Sniffing Kit for Teens
e) Wonderful Labs™ Whoops! Sack for Late Night Debauchery
a) Carrying out small animals that just didn't have it in them.
b) Keeping your place in a massive ancient tome of arcane lore.
c) Holding other plastic bags.
d) Placing around doorknobs so that you don't catch something horrid from the help.
e) Burying them until they turn back into oil. Or dinosaurs, whichever comes first.
a) Fill them with air so that maybe your pathetic piece of property will float when California slides into the sea after the Big One.
b) Fill them with Madagascan Hissing Cockroaches and place them over the door jambs for an amusing party joke.
c) Fill them with bits of Mister Malice when he's caught giving refunds again.
d) Fill them with kitty litter when the beasties are done with their business.
e) Fill them with the hundreds of annoying and useless queries we seem to get every day from boring people who have nothing better to do than type nonsense and fidget.