Tue, 28 Oct 1997
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
1. On a recent "Politically Incorrect" with Bill Maher, Tony Danza was a guest and he said he'd never vote for anyone who refers to himself in the third person. I am curious about how Mr. Wonderful feels about this. Did Danza hurt Mr. Wonderful's feelings? Does Mr. Wonderful plan to run for office?
2. You constantly make fun of people with body hair, telling women to shellac their legs, tormenting young girls who recently discovered hair on their big toes, and making fun of the late great Henry 8. Now, I want to know how much hair Mr. Wonderful has from head to toe. Every centimeter. Be specific. I NEED TO KNOW. Does this teasing come from a deep-rooted insecurity about Mr. Wonderful's body hair? I think I'm onto you.
3. Which of the following people would you rather have a one-night stand with:
A poet, a painter, a musician, a thief, a sculptor, or a completely hairless person who reads a lot?
Dear Dr. Freud,
1.) The day Mr. Wonderful worries about Tony Danza's opinion is the day rabid swamp badgers arrive on death-black Harley-Davidson Motorcycles stinking of rum colas, wearing "WE HATE WONDERFUL" t-shirts, wielding day-glo atomic John Holmes vibrators embedded with rusty razorblades and only Mr. Danza can reason with them. Otherwise, Mr. Wonderful will continue using whatever person suits him.
Mr. Wonderful is above politics, but does enjoy state dinners.
2.) Using the Mayan system of measurement, Mr. Wonderful has 2.3 baktun of hair left, but it's all over after 2012 anyway. He is rather hurt that you forgot his hairless Hugh Grant slander, and hopes that everyone will realize that deep down he just likes to make fun of anyone who can't beat him up.
3.) Oh, it's like being at 31 Flavors! Can't I get a double-scoop? A swirl if it's soft-serve? Ah well, decisions... decisions... only one night? Oh my... errr, how 'bout this:
The Poet if it were Anne Sexton (although not dead)
The Painter if it were Salvador Dali (ditto)
The Musician if it were Eric Clapton (he *was* God, y'know)
The Thief if it were Catwoman (not that Pfeiffer chick, the real deal!)
The Sculptor if it were Rodin (not dead, and if he washes)
The Hairless Reader if it were Sinead O'Connor (and a bucket of oil)