Mon, 02 Jul 2001

Dear Mr. W.,

Are beards allowed in high schools? I've seen mustaches.


Jeff Gillooly


Dear Sir Hute,

Some schools allow beards, yeah. Depends on what area of the country you're in. I believe they're required in Montana. Or was it Idaho? One of those fierce northern places where you bundle up 300 days out of the year or risk shattering when you slip on the frozen roads. Winds that can rip the face right offa ya, so everybody has to be bearded: faculty, students, lunch ladies, mascots, dissection frogs, everything but the clams.

Beware the Beardless Clams of Idaho. They are stronger and stranger than time itself.

Mister Wonderful once knew a professor who had taught at a semi-private school in New England where the kids could have beards, but the teachers couldn't. Being a Social Studies instructor, he decided to give his students a lesson in Constitutional Rights - grew out his facial hair. The school swiftly fired his ass and that's how he wound up teaching at good ol' Arkham High.

We loved him. The man was an inspiration. We'd send him fake memos from the office forbidding specific behaviors every week. By the end of the first term the skull tattoos hadn't healed and his legs itched something awful, but his lipstick was divine.