Fri, 27 Aug 1999

Herr Sweetness,

Do crabs come from the ocean or are they those crustaceans that spend time on dry land? Are they making me itchy?

--Puke baster


Dear Scratchy,

Of course crabs come from the ocean. Haven't you seen those photos of sailors hauling on chains to draw Alaskan King Crabs out of the water? If you had, you'd remember. You'd have nightmares. Those things have gotta be ten feet across. In fact, think of a giant pink spider with spikes. Then mate it with Ridley Scott's Alien. Take the offspring, deprive it of love and affection, run its face along a belt sander, armor plate it, give it a switchblade, initiate it into the Forbidden Rites of Shub-Noggoth, and throw it into the coldest water short of ice just to piss it off. That's an Alaskan King Crab.

Some crabs do spend time on the beach, the creepy little invertebrates. They're amphibious, or something. It's tough to say. Amphibious is the animal equivalent of bisexual. Other creatures shout, "Why can't you just commit, bitch?" and "Pick a habitat!" So the crabs don't like to talk about it. The water creatures think they are perverted and the land creatures think they aren't committed to the cause. What can you do?

The crabs that make you itchy come from June Lockheart.