Tue, 04 Jun 2002
Dear Mister Wonderful,
I was in the library recently and was struck anew by the vast number of books there. "Look at all these!" quoth I; "What are all these people trying to say?"
To which my companion amended, "Let's say you had a magic pen, and you could hold it up to each of the books in the library and sluuurp! suck out the essence of the books, one by one. [Mind you, this is not a vampiric slurp that leaves the books dry and undead.]
Then, if you scribbled the magic pen on a piece of paper and it could deliver the essence of all the books in just a few words, what would those words be?"
We each came up with our theories as to what the magic pen would deliver, but I want to hear Yours, Mr. W.
--Shellikey Shellikey Bookie
Dear Libra the Librarian,
Lucky for you, future events like this will happen in the future....
"Greetings, UseMaster. Thank you for choosing the WON-9000 "Life of the Party" Literature Extractor. "***Look Good And Know It***(tm)" The flexi-disc Zip suit you're wearing stores up to 18 armagillion textual breakdowns - more with vest upgrades available from LibraryofCongress, Inc.
To access the plots, morals, themes and points _you need_ to spice up your conversation, not to mention let the folks know who has the biggest vocabulary in the room, simply use the patented Loreal "Litstick" applicator to browse your host's library. Pithy summaries of the essential message of each book will instantly transderm through the yarmulke to your cerebral cortex, making you the Belles-Lettres of the Ball. Thus -
SUPERSCANSUCKER SUIT READER UP! TOTAL IMMERSIVE BYTE/PAPERBACK ORIGINAL SINGULARITY MINI-MINDMELD ONBEAM! INJECT WORDANCEMAGIC LITSTICK GLAM ALPHADRIVE BANG! COMMENCE VARNEYPLUS DOWNLOAD SUB\THEME/TEXT MEME:
[SCN] Herman Melville, Moby Dick
[OUT] Whales don't kill people; oceans kill people.
[SCN] Charles Dickens, David Copperfield
[OUT] Often, a writer may be paid by the word.
[SCN] Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
[OUT] Nobody knows anything. Have a drink. No? Fine, I'll have one.
[SCN] William Shakespeare, Hamlet
[OUT] Not to be.
[SCN] Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
[OUT] Books are for people who can't afford a television.
[SCN] Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited
[OUT] It is better to have been a sodomite and Catholic and lost, than not to have been a sodomite and Catholic at all.
[SCN] J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
[OUT] Frodo and Samwise, sittin' in a tree/ W-H-I-N-I-N-G/ First comes Sauron/ then comes the Ringer/ then comes GollummAHHH! My finger! My finger!
[SCN] George Orwell, 1984
[OUT] WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. DAMES ARE TROUBLE.
[SCN] God, et al, The New Testament
[OUT] Loose lips sink saviors.
[SCN] Sylvia Plath, Ariel
[OUT] Nothin' says lovin'/ Like a head in the oven./ P.S. Fuck you, Ted.
SCANEND. HAPPY ENJOY NIGHTLIFE BOOM-BOOM!!"