Wed, 25 Aug 1999

Mister Wonderful,

Recently, while on a walk, I encountered a great, big, white dog. When I pointed my index fingers and made a funny, telegraphic-like 'doot-doot--doodoodootdoot' noise at its eyes, it winked one eye and told me that Jif is made from monkey testicles.

Is that true? I always wondered how they made bland curd o' peanut so very ...very sweet.

Oh, yeah, the dog's name is Kubert.

Sign me,

Chongo feo


Dear Cheech,

Choosy moms choose monkey balls? I don't think so.

The dog you met was obviously an agent of Lost Boys Trading Co., Ltd. Peter Pan has realized that in today's competetive market you have to act the pirate to survive. Just another example of becoming the thing you most despise, which happens to all of us. Luckily, I despise handsome, witty rich folk with incredible sexual staying power and magic fireballs that shoot from their hands when they shout "Bali Hai!"

Jif is sweet because it contains ground fairy wings.