Tue, 07 May 2002
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
How much control over society does the Hallmark Company have?
Mother's Day, Father's Day, Secretary's Day, et al.
Dear Roman Helliday,
Ah, you only see the surface, Agent Mulder. Hallmark Cards are a mere parasite, a tool of the true overlords. Yes, they thrive on human misery. But only as long as their masters, The International Flower and Forest Murdering Brotherhood, led by my old foe Picadilly Xin, continue to manipulate the populace into giving bouquets and pulped wood as tokens of affection.
Speaking of Evil Empires, some readers may have felt we were a bit harsh in yesterday's column when we spoke of Star Wars as "crap." In an effort to justify buying 2 (two) boxes of General Mills "Star Wars Episode II Cereal" and regain some of our fanboy cred, we present:
MISTER WONDERFUL'S "THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE STAR WARS MOVIES"
Bitchy robots are funny.
Never sit behind Luke Skywalker in a battle.
It's best to evacuate, even in your moment of triumph.
Ladies love a man in a vest.
In a sword fight, watch your arm.
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a bad script.
For a sextet, there's not much sex.
Jedi training takes a lifetime of cloistered study to complete, except when it takes a couple hours on a pirate freighter and a day and half in a swamp.
And Jedi Masters always say you're too old to begin your training, but they'll let you in if someone whines.
"Bring balance to the Force" is Jedi code for "Murder millions of people."
That should keep 'em happy until the day we control society. Best Wishes!
I AIN'T GONNA WORK ON WONDERFUL'S FARM NO MORE
Mister Wonderful Recommends: Your multiple-personality role-model and mine, The Doctor. Doctor Who ran for a bajillion years on British television and half a bajillion on certain public television stations in the United States that were not content with using "Sesame Street" alone to warp children's minds. Honk if you love Cybermen!