Sun, 18 May 1997
Dear Mr. Wienerfull,
Why is it that we can't get the "Dog" and "Bun" community to agree on one length for their co-dependent products. Is there some sort of conspiracy at work here? Could this be a plot to choke the average hotdog consumer with those excess bun pieces? Is there some sort of shortage of lips and assholes at the wiener plant, or an overstock of bun dough at the bun plant? Or could wieners and buns be produced by two totally different species of being living on different planets at opposite ends of the galaxy, that are unaware of each other? If the latter, then why can't we inform them of their collective mistake?
P.S. You wouldn't happen to be an operative for the makers of Wonder brand hotdog buns would you...?
I haven't read a paragraph with that many wieners and buns in it since I finished Hard Ramone Stranglemuffin Goes Sailing With Nine Strapping Men last year.
The trouble with contacting alien races is that their number is always busy and they're too cheap to get call waiting. Plus, it takes two days just to punch in the damned area code. In any case, the problem with Hot Dogs is right here on Earth.
The controversy began with the First Vatican Council in 1870. Many of the gathered Cardinals felt that the proper Frankfurter dimensions were to be based on the writings of Saint Remigius, a relatively modest length befitting the castrated Monk's sensibilities. Others (mostly American) argued for the Schweenus Petra, or "Peter's Foot". The Schweenus had long been used in the New World, based on apocryphal accounts of the early days of the Apostles and their enormous appetites. Pope Pius IX labored for compromise, for if the Council disbanded over this issue, he'd never get them to help him move that stuff out of the garage. In the end, neither side would back down and it was determined that not only was the Pope infallible from then on, but that Schweenists could only bake buns and Remilics could only grind out links. Another great day for the Catholic Church.