Fri, 03 Jan 2003

Dear Wonderful,

Why is it that when I close my eyes and push on them through my eyelids, I see cool shapes and lights? Is it bad to do that?

Humbly Yours,

I for an Eye


Dear Blind Pew,

Do me a favor, stop doing that thing to your eyes. You see the lights because pressure on the optic nerve stimulates the visual cortex. Doesn't matter if it's your thumbs or Anna Nicole Smith, it's not healthy. Rub too hard or too often and you'll go blind. Well, maybe not blind, but I'm doing a little innuendo jig around here and I hope you've gotten my thrust by now.

Mister Wonderful would not say that anything you choose to do to yourself is bad. But we do feel that it is always best to eschew those things which limit further choice. Damage your eyes and you'll be listening to Stephen Hawking read my column the rest of your days.

What really burns my bagel is that this is what happens when that drug prohibition thing gets out of hand. First they're sniffing glue, then they're huffing paint, now they're putting their eyes out! For Hoffman's sake, think of the children...

Mind you, I've got enough residual chemicals mutating in my own system to tranquilize a Yeti. A Yeti with ADD who's just been cut off in heavy traffic, even. Listen, I press on my elbows and I see cool shapes and lights. People who sleep over say that they can't wake up after using my pillows because the clocks keep melting. Rub my belly and a genie made of caffeine mist will grant you three days prosperity without sleep. I can't drink 151 proof rum anymore because I'm afraid the mushrooms will use it to discover fire. I lie awake at day wondering if NPR's Sarah Vowell knows how much I think she sounds like a white Wanda Sykes. I haven't had pupils smaller than dimes since 1972. I think I know why they made Megaforce. My hallucinations have got imaginary friends - imaginary friends with weird relatives that show up at 3 AM asking me for favors. Friends, let me tell you: My CAT scan turned out paisley.

Anyway. Point is. If I donated blood you'd have kids turning into cutters hoping to win "Emergency Room Roulette." Well, they would if they had my blood type, that is. Type "Oh!"

WONDERFUL LABS - When you'd rather laugh in the dark than curse the light