Sat, 15 Jul 2000

Mr. So-Called-Wonderful,

Can you imagine a world without hypothetical questions?

and why does Shatner do those acid-induced Priceline.com commercials? Is he on LSD or something?

Mr. Happy

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Dear Fruit of my Looms,

Just to get this out of the way, LSD doesn't have that sort of effect on people. No, no, no, no, no. I know you kids these days think, "Ooooh, it's wacky, it's outside the parameters of my MTV existence, those guys must take ACID - that spinal-fluid-draining, talk-like-a-beat-poet, make-you-jump-out-windows stuff that Nancy Reagan warned me about!" Uh-uh. Waaaaay off base.

Before I get to my startling Shatner revelation, in fact, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on some absolutely insane and insanely creative things that were done entirely without the influence of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide: World War I, World War II, DADA, The Whitechapel Murders, Frank Zappa's Musical Ouvre, Emperor Constantine's conversion to Christianity, Dante's Divine Comedy, Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida, The Charge of the Light Brigade, Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Salem Witch Trials, The Marx Brothers' films, The Alamo, Bosch paintings, Blake poems, Whitman poems, Whitman samplers, The Inquisition, Nietzsche's Superman, Siegel and Schuster's Superman, Monotheism, Aboriginal Dreamtime, Mayan Time, Aztec ball games, Mexican jumping beans.

I think you can see where I'm going.

What Shatner is actually doing in those commercials is evoking the dominant spirit of our age. I have never seen a more accurate impersonation of my step-father at a karaoke bar.

I can imagine a world without hypothetical questions, as that would be the world in which everything that can be imagined occurs. Nothing would exist merely in the mind, it would all exist in St. Anselm's "greatest" sense. Bad news for God, since he would then also not exist (both hypotheses must be actualized) - but good news for me, as I would get to have my Salma and eat it, too.

WONDERFUL MEN TELL NO TALES

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