Wed, 07 Apr 1999

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

My company is sending me on a trip to Australia soon. I hear they are heavy into recreational drinking in Australia. In fact, the last co-worker to go said that they inundated him with requests for the latest crazes of alcoholic drinks in the U.S. I'm gambling that you know a little on the subject. What are some of the "latest" in mixed drinks here in the U.S. and what goes in them?

Oh, and do you have any suggestions on how I can better relate to and deal with my Aussie counterparts?

Thank you,

North-American-Red-Breasted-Swallowtail Dundee


Dear Kangaroo Bait,

The most important thing to remember when dealing with a continent full of hereditary convicts is that although their language sounds like English, it is in fact a corrupted thieves’ cant and they are constantly insulting you and planning ways to steal your wallet, no matter what you think they're saying. It is therefore imperative that you throw the first punch, ideally at the stewardess who welcomes you aboard Quantas Airlines.

But do blow a kiss at Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce for me, won't you dear?

As far as the latest mixed drinks, the U.S. is currently enjoying:

KOSOVO KOOL-AID: Take two or more european ethnic groups and place them in a small area over rocks. Meddle.

BRITTANY SPEARS: Cherries, virgin olive oil, peach fuzz, and 16 year-old Scotch in a small glass. Drink for 5 to 10 with no chance of parole.

HOT GAS: Place a hose in your neighbor's gas tank, begin suction. Remove your mouth just as the flow starts and be sure to have your can below the level of the tank to let gravity do its work. Enjoy a cigar with this one!

THE MATRIX: Gin, Vodka, Tequila Blanca, Silver Rum, Schnapps, Stroh 80 and Midori. You will be knocked out of this reality.

MISTER WONDERFUL: Only available on tap in select cities.