Wed, 07 Apr 1999

Mr. Wonderful

Pop Quiz hotshot:

You awaken one afternoon to find your self surrounded by demon-possessed Tickle Me Elmos. They're small, they're rabid, they want blood, no scratch that - they want a little piece of Wonderful. And they want it badddddddd.

What do you do? What do you do?

Jeffry Fotsam


Dear Easy Rider,

Nice touch of realism, the "waking up in the afternoon" part.

Not so nice touch, the "little piece" crack.

But I stall... Okay, first thing: Assess the situation. Are they armed? Are they armed with scissors? Has anyone tickled them recently? What about me? Am I wearing any clothes? Am I in need of a piss? Do I have my Holy Water Gun within reach?

After the situation has been assessed, we strike quickly and decisively: bribing the demons first with money, then with rare Adam Ant albums, then with the virgin presumably in the bed with me. If bribery doesn't work, kick the nearest one in the felt, set fire to the bed, escape in the confusion.