Tue, 14 Aug 2001

Dear Mr Wonderful,

Why do animals require the ingestion of other living things (as well as beings) to survive, while all plants need is dirt, water, and sunlight?

Doesn't that make mammals less efficient beings in general?

Your Friend,

The Undigestable Man


Dear Steve Austin,

You know what I like best about plants? When mammals and insects come to eat them, they look so cute as they scamper out of the way.

Oh, wait! No they don't! They don't scamper, hide, run, back off, duck, evade, escape, avoid, hunker, scoot, cringe, or elude. They don't do anything! They're plants! They sit there and suck!! How very damned efficient. You'd get along fairly easily, too, if all you had to do was expand for six months out of the year, then decompose.

Tell you what, you write back when you need me to write a review of the world's first symphony composed by a turnip. Or attend a gallery opening of challenging young algae works. Or hell, just want to share a heart-warming tale of a cornstalk who gave his life to make a point by stepping in front of a tank.

Andrew Lloyd Webber hasn't written a symphony yet, right?

Plants require simple substances, but also produce simple results. Mammals require complexity, but produce radical beauty and unpredictable dramas... most likely in an effort to launch the Earth Soul into the Galactic Womb and take up our cruel destiny under the awesome tutelage of the Star Elders, but you didn't hear it from me.