Tue, 02 Jan 2001

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Why does grapefruit juice leave your tongue feeling as if you've been chewing on a sweater? Is it somehow related to the way cranberry juice sucks the moisture out of your throat?

-Health Kick


Dear Fibergasm,

Hmmmm... it has been long since Wonderful has considered these "Froot Jooses" of which you speak. Are you certain they still exist?

I know you can still get orange juice, because Nikki the Wonder Nurse made me a Screwdriver the other night. I think it was a Screwdriver. It might have been a Harvey Wallbanger. To tell you the truth, I wasn't paying much attention by that point. Not to the drinks. Yeah. Hey, I just realized that if I were to describe more of that evening, I'd wind up using the words "juice" "sweater" "chewing" "tongue" "sucks" and "throat", too. Small world, innit?

These fruit products you are drinking are most likely just trying to kill you. It's the nature of the beast. Solid or liquid, the fruit world wants nothing more than to assassinate the animal kingdom. This is well-documented. Mainly by me, but still. Fruits go bad.

In your heart, you know it's true.

From what you describe, it seems that the Grapefruit is coating your palate so you won't notice the rot poisons. The Cranberry is taking a more direct approach, attempting dehydration, exsanguination, or asphyxiation; the method is unclear but the goal is obvious - Murder.

Save yourself. Save your loved ones. Switch to coffee. Switch to whiskey. You'll stay up all night with lowered inhibitions but at least the plant monsters won't get you.