Wed, 05 Dec 2001

Dear Wonderful,

While watching television earlier tonight, I saw a commercial by Iams promoting a cat food that helps slow down the aging process and extends life for cats.

What the hell is this about? Why isn't there a food for people that retards the aging process and makes us live longer?

Should I start eating this special cat food or will it only work for cats?

If this food actually works for cats...will cats become the dominant species? Instead Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes, will it be a Planet of the Cats in the future?


Joan Embry


Dear Morris,

CAT LAW!! Hmmm. Nope... doesn't quite have that "oomph-hachah!" that I look for in my apocalyptic ranting. Sounds like a minor villainy or something, though, doesn't it? I mean, like "Great horny toads! Don't go near Dander Bart, he's the meanest catlaw west of the Pecos!" or "You're an incorrigible catlaw, Trevor. Do stop stuffing the Queen's brie into your trousers!"

PUSSY LAW!! Now we're getting warmer.

This new cat food only improves a cat's health and longevity because it poisons them slightly less quickly than normal cat chow. Do you think that stuff is actually made from grains and broth? Old shoes and carbon deposits, my friend. And the substance in the canned food may not be spoken of, but think a kitty Soylent Green by way of Area 51.

Cats want to eat real meat off of bones anyway. Ever see a lion dig into a bowl of Chex cereal? And don't bring up Tony the Tiger, because that whore needs to get his kerchief back to Charles Nelson Reilly. Mice and birds and blood and iron, that's what cats want. This crunchy "food" we foist on them only ruins their spirit and leads to premature death. Le Mort du Feline Ennui.

So don't dig into this new IAMS treat unless you want added rat brain in your diet. Wonderful Laboratories is testing a new human longevity elixir, but supply is limited and likely to be tied up for years. We'll let you know how it goes.