Mon, 24 May 2004

Dear Mister Wonderful,

On the subject of dewbacks in the first Star Wars movie, why would the most technologically advanced society of all time, a military power that can travel the speed of light, shoot crippling lasers out of hand-held cannons, and travel on anti-gravity sandspeeders, have any use for humongous, ill-tempered, cow-like lizards? The storm troopers were probably all about as confused and irritated by this as I am. I can just imagine the following exchange taking place:

Imperial Commander: Your mission is to travel down to the surface of Tatooine and leave no stone unturned until you locate the Death Star plans that Princess Leia hid in her R2-Unit. The future of the Empire depends on your swift and calculated execution of this directive.

Storm Trooper Sergeant: That doesn't sound too tough. I take it we will be given all the necessary equipment to move on the targets as expeditiously as possible; desert survival gear, unlimited troops, anti-gravity vehicles and the like.

IC: Yes, this mission comes directly from Darth Vader and should be treated as the most important Imperial task in this star system. You will be outfitted with the most cutting-edge, state of the art equipment available. One thing, though, we're going to be riding around on dewbacks instead of our usual speeders.

STS: Dewbacks, sir?

IC: You know, humongous, ill-tempered, cow-like lizards.

STS: I mean no disrespect, sir, but wouldn't it make much more sense to be outfitted with speeders? I don't see how these cow-like lizards are going to help much.

IC: Obviously, Sergeant, you don't understand how George Lucas' mind works. Dewbacks it is.

STS: Could we at least have quick, intelligent, practical beasts of burden? I went to Tatooine on Spring Break when I was in high school and my buddies and I rode around on Rontos, which are kind of like horse/camel hybrids.

IC: You just don't get it. The next thing you'll say is that if we ever attack a snow-bound rebel base, we shouldn't do it with gigantic, easily-tripped ATATs that can be rendered completely useless by a bunch of really thick tow cables.

STS: You're right, Sir. There really is no point in arguing with a man that is way more into telling a visual, if not impractical story. Peter Jackson would never come up with anything this asinine.

IC: If you love Peter Jackson so much, why don't you marry him then.

STS: Maybe I will.

IC: Fine.

STS: Fine.


Dear Larry Kasdan,

Indeed. Well. I'm just going to sit over here in the corner with a beer and watch the sweaty fanboys try to bulls-eye someone else's womp rat for a change, if you don't mind.

Believe me, trying to hold "Star Wars, Inc." to any civilized standard of logic, narrative, aesthetics, or even acting -- well, you might as well be waving a box of deep-fried Twinkies in front of these people. They go absolutely rabid. It's like Free Comic Book Day in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Of course, if I had to explain the Imperial Stormtroopers riding dewbacks when even the frickin' Jawas have an SUV, the answer seems obvious:


WONDERFUL LABS - Ejaculate?! In Our Moment Of Triumph?