Thu, 28 Sep 2000

Dear Mr Wonderful,

How do you get the smell of onions off your hand after cutting them to cook with?


Odious Digits


Dear Swedish Chef,

Mister Wonderful used work at a pizza parlor and he was dating this girl...

But no. Such solutions are not for everyone.

Onions, as we know, are one of the coolest roots on the planet. They defend themselves from being sliced up and eaten by emitting a tear-inducing solution. They're saying, "Take that, mammals! We just want to be left alone! Your big teeth do not frighten us! We blind you with venom! Ha ha!" and then they grab the treasure and jump into the waiting dinghy. No, wait. That's Republicans. Umm, onions, yeah, well, they do, they spit in your eye and leave their invisible juice-blood on your hands so you will remember your crime against their kingdom then they hoist your sisters over their shoulders and escape through the temple to the waiting camels. Hold on...

Okay, forget about why. Let's just concentrate on onion scent removal. One method is to mask the smell with a stronger, more cloying one. If you happen to know some of the girls Mister Wonderful has known... Hey! Be quiet! I'm not through... I was gonna say, you can ask to borrow some of their scented soaps or perfumes. Jeesh.

Another trick is to pour gasoline on your hands - NOT RECOMMENDED FOR SMOKERS.

Fondling half-eaten mints could also help. You might consider jogging in place for twenty minutes then putting your hands down your pants. But you'll probably wind up smelling like Ass and Onions.

To be truly free, I recommend Lava Soap. Not only is it strong enough for truckers, but it's fun to say. "Llllava Soap. Lava Ssssoooooap. Lavah Sope." Do they still make Lava? Hmmm. If not, flaying the skin from your hands should do the trick. After all, you're already holding a knife.