Fri, 12 May 2000
Dear Mr. W,
OK, forget the whole 'mother and child' thing. I got one guaranteed to put you off your feed for a month or so.
My wife is pregnant. Recently she had a procedure done where she had her cervix sewn, rather, shut. They take a thick suture and purse string her cervix closed. I'm told that this is a routine procedure. It is very safe and helps to insure carrying the baby for the entire term. At the follow up exam, the doctor told her that currently, nothing was off limits, i.e. exercise, intercourse, bike riding. Pay particular attention to the second part. During recent romantic interludes, I have noticed a terrible thing.
WARNING : DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE IF YOU ARE MENTALLY UNSTABLE
I can feel the stitch.
God help me, it feels as though someone has inserted a twisty-tie thing in my wife.
Excuse me, I have to lie down for a second.
I mentioned this to my wife, and SHE thinks it's hysterical.
My question to you is: (and I'll understand completely if you never speak to me again)
Where's the neatest place in the world to be celibate? And do I need a reservation?
I'm not signing this.
Dear Lord (choke),
I... you know... just yesterday... the world seemed like such a bright and beautiful place.
You. See. See. Thing is. Listen - uhhhh. Hm.
Okay. Not that I'm mad at you or anything - but why? Why did you have to bring that up? You're like John Travolta dragging an overdosed Uma Thurman into my living room here. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
It's in my brain.
The best place for you to be celibate would be the French Foreign Legion. They don't ask questions there.
The neatest place in general, though, would be the Moon. You'd say to yourself, "Hey, I may be drinking my own urine and I sure ain't gettin' none, but I ain't gettin' none on the Moon!" Think of the view.
Urgh. I need a moment alone.