Mon, 07 Jun 1999

Dear Mr. Wonderoos,

A while back I had a very painful and very messy break-up with Humanity. Though we tried to come to a compromise, it wanted me to be more like my father and I wanted it to wear frilly undergarments and stop killing my pets, I’m afraid we parted on very bad terms. At present we have a mutual restraining order of a thousand yards and Humanity still has not given back my house key or my self respect.

Over the time of our separation, I find that I’ve actually come to miss Humanity, the little things it did that made life so much better, like talking ancient languages on a bus, or offering me money to buy food when I was hungry. The problem is that I’m not so sure I’m ready to love Humanity again, I think I’d rather be just close friends for a while.

What’s a good way to go about establishing a friendly relationship with Humanity? I already tried sending flowers, but that didn’t seem to work.

Love and Esperanto,

Jonah’s Whale


Dear Bertrand Russell,

Back off, buddy. Humanity's mine.

Flowers, by the by, never work anyway. You know why? Flowers die. You are sending corpses to your loved ones. What kind of message is that? "Here, I care enough to murder for you. Accept some decaying garbage in a box as a token of my affection; may our love last as long as this putrescent vegetable." "But they're so bee-yooo-tiful!" whine the namby-pamby FTD whores. To that I say, sure, plants are beautiful, you want a nice gift, have your lover buy you a ticket to somewhere where the plants are alive! I think Angelina Jolie has an absolutely smashing set of tits, but I don't want them sawed off and mailed to me. That just wouldn't be the same.

Where was I?

Oh yes, well, we all know how Humanity can be. Fickle, I think, is the word. The trick to staying "just friends" with Humanity is to realize that the more freedom you give it, really, the more freedom you have for yourself. The trouble is when we get all worked up, worrying about what Humanity is doing. Just let it go. I mean, don't let yourself be hurt, but don't try to control every aspect of Humanity. It will work itself out, really. And when you stop getting that queasy feeling in your stomach when you think about things that aren't your business anyway, you'll realize that all that energy can be spent on improving yourself. And that's all you're really here to do.

Just don't call Humanity at 3 AM, drunk, and try to explain how you feel. That makes you look like such a loser.