Thu, 16 Sep 1999

Dear Wonder....bleeecccchhhhhh!

(Sorry about that) (Sound of toilet flushing)

After a night of having too much of a good time, I need help. Of all the marvelous, tasty alcoholic beverages out there, I need to know what that "magic" one is which will give me a great buzz, taste great, and leave me hangover free the next morning. Essentially, oh great sir, when imbibing what potent potable do you recommend and consume?

Dino "Chairman of the Beer" Sinatra


Dear Joey Lawford,

Well, as our erstwhile chauffeur, Ricky the red-headed Manitoban, was just heard to remark, "The trouble with alcohol is that the more of an expert you become, the less you remember." So true, so true. Ricky is driving us down the 5 Freeway right now, and also just said "Nice melons," to a passing fruit truck. We love him.

Trouble with hangovers is that they are pretty much unavoidable. As we explained many Wonders ago, hangovers are caused by sin. The more sin on your soul, the more severe the hangover. This is why nuns and children are so fond of drinking. So, if you wish to remain hangover free, your best bet is a Bourbon and holy water, a.k.a. Penance Punch. Ricky suggests a Vodka and Pepto Bismol, a.k.a. a Pink Russian (or the Gay Tovarisch).

As for myself, I think one should be ready to accept the consequences of one's actions. This is the essence of Karma. Thus, when out on the town I drink Guinness, when home alone I sip whiskey, when partying with friends I slam Tequila, when partying with fiends I knock back Gin and Tonics. And I then welcome the pain and memory loss, welcome them with open arms wrapped around the porcelain confessional, because — because everything has a price. And I know that.


(P.S. The part of Ricky was played by Jeff Schoenhard, one of the few decent humans left.)