Thu, 27 Jul 2000

Dear Mister Wonderful,

You'll probably just make fun of me, but here goes anyway. My boyfriend is out of town and I miss him badly. What should I do?


One of those ladies that goes running to

dock when the boats come in in that

Perfect Storm movie, only the boats are

still out and that fishy smell isn't an issue


Dear Mrs. Paul,

You're darn right I'll make fun of you. Who the hell says "here goes anyway"?

I could maybe see, "anyway, here goes:", that's not bad, a nice little conversational style. You could also say "here goes nothin'" - that doesn't make sense either, but at least it's a common colloquialism. "Here goes anyway" sounds like it should be something people say, but I don't think it is.

Of course, you say it in your head enough and you're going to convince yourself that you're sure you've heard it somewhere before. Like when you're typing and out comes a word that suddenly looks funny. So you erase it and spell it a different way. But that looks funny, too. So you type out the first version and look at them side by side and they both seem equally right, which is to say, a little bit wrong. So you spell-check. No errors. The computer thinks they're both right, which freaks you out because you know that at least one of them is hinky. Then it occurs to you that you or some other moron might have added a bad spelling to the User Dictionary by mindlessly clicking through a long document one day. Happens all the time. You get busy adding people's names and "batmobile" and blammo, the computer thinks "bannana" is a word. So you go to a real dictionary. The one you bought in college your freshman year and only opened once, to print your name in block letters on the inside cover. And you get a grip on the whole alphabet thing, and you flip past the letter you're looking for, and you start singing the alphabet song, but you find the right section, and you start running your finger down the page like a medieval monk, and you flip to the next page and start humming the Sesame Street theme, do the thing with the finger again, stop. Hum a little worriedly, flip back to the previous page. Run down the column again. Shit. The word. Isn't. There. Either this cheap dictionary just couldn't be bothered OR you don't know how to spell this word at all and this is turning out to be much more embarrassing then you thought because how many times have you typed a paper or a letter or an e-mail and NOT spell-checked? Too many times, that's right. And no one told you. Ambiguity yawns hungrily with terrible infinite teeth. Fearful of a cold universe without firmament, shocked mindless by chaos and relativity, you find yourself whimpering under the desk.

That's when Mister Dark and Mister Malice show up.

I think you should buy a Sony Playstation. There's plenty of fun Lara-Croft-type games to engage your mind while you're alone and then it's something to do with your boyfriend when he gets back. Have fun!