Mon, 10 Nov 2003
Dear Mister Wonderful,
Why is it that people think that Hamlet had the hots for his mom? Everyone discusses this, but I've never found any supporting stuff in the play. Is there a particular exchange where he goofs up and tells Mom to get herself to a nunnery, or...?
Osric ("A hit, a very palpable hit!")
Dear Oh, Feel Ya,
Well, you know, maybe it's because Hamlet's mom was a giant whore. Danish monarchs are famous for their indiscretions, but Slick Queen Gertrude "The Brother Humper" really raised the bar when it came to lowering the drawers.
Believe it. They had to widen the archways at Elsinore Castle just to get her legs through. All the guards who worked her wing were issued mercury treatments and earmuffs - you didn't have to hide in her closet to know she was doing it with anything warmer than fresh halibut. That woman had more meat stuffed in her than Roger Ebert at a Ham Festival.
So it's natural, you see, to assume that all her complaining about Hamlet, Jr.'s tongue may have been because he gave her a wretched rash. Plus, the boy did want to kill his father figure - I'm no psychologist, but it seems to me that where there's smoke, there's a cigarette being shared after Oedipal incest.
Furthermore, let us not forget that WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE may be anagrammed to "HAM LIKES RAW ALE PIES." T.S. Eliot once said that this means the Bard's plays were probably written by a three large badgers and a piccolo player from Deptford. Literary scientists say that explains why Rosencrantz and Guildenstern show up as furriers in the bar scene of Eliot's The Waste Land.