Wed, 15 Oct 2003
Have you ever been stalked? Would you like to be?
Your Number One Fan
Dear Señor Celery,
Well, I was once pursued through the streets of Ottawa by three masked detectives from the League of Trouser Decency. Does that count?
One of them did show up at the Labs that Christmas, claiming to be my wife, but balked when he realized that I have such a large staff. So much for that.
Martha Stewart was having cocktails in the next room and she said she didn't mind handling the staff, but once I got her into the bedroom she nearly fainted at the length of my shaft.
"Thou ninny varlet!" I told her while jingling my bells. "How else do you think the Batpoles fit?"
Listen, I could do this all night long - but that's what got me into trouble with Angus Young's wife's husband. Suffice it to say that I am still frightened by little pants. Which reminds me of this time I was being hunted by the League of Trouser Decency...
You know what? Instead of stalker, you know what I want? Oh... what's it called? Hold on; it's right on the tip of my tongue (and it's not Martha)... oh yeah. Sane people. I'd like to meet some sane people. Just for the dippy wang-doodle variety of it.