Thu, 01 Aug 2002

Dear Mister Wonderful,

This little old man--must be 70 or 80 years old--lives next door to me, and whenever he sees me he goes into a long speech in Spanish about how I'm his corazon, how much pleasure he gets out of seeing me, etc. He calls me mamacita and everything. What's the proper reaction to an aged admirer like this?

--Supified Youngster


Dear Pollyanna,

Don't you worry, that's just Ricardo Montalban - you know, Mr. Rourke of TV's Fantasy Island. He's harmless.

Well, by and large. Don't accept any invitations to caress his "rich Corinthian leather."

Ricardo has most likely been riled up by the imminent release of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Director's Edition on DVD.

Well, who wouldn't be? Aside from those folk who get sun. Listen, no, really - next Tuesday, August 6th, 2002, "Khan" comes out in a multi-featured, brightly hued, extended version double-disc set for to make Mister Wonderful's nipples erect. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!

Not that you aren't a mamacita muy bella, I'm sure. But Ricardo's had thousands of women. Used to tag team with Herve Villechaize in the "Hollywood Tropicana" Celebrity Topless Mud Wrestling tournaments. It takes the promise of renewed residuals from his Oscar-worthy performance as Khan Noonian Singh... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!! APE LAW!

Sorry. It just - well, obviously it's difficult to describe my excitement. And probably incriminating. This year is the 20th anniversary of Star Trek II and the 30th anniversary of Ziggy Stardust and the 40th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick's Lolita - it's like someone discovered my Resonant Pop Culture Frequency. Watch, I'll be dead in a week, Scanners-style.

Speaking of Lolita, do not encourage an older admirer. He'll no doubt get ideas. And once they get ideas they start stealing Federation starships and hurting you, and wishing to go on hurting you, leaving you, as you left her, marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried alive - KKHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!!!