Wed, 03 Mar 1999

Mr. Wonderful,

If you could somehow get a car, let's say a 1976 Dodge Charger S.E., going fast enough to achieve the speed of light, and you turned the headlights on, what would happen? If you could answer this it'd be mighty spiffy of you.

Nicodemus Greed


Dear Bad-Ass In-Training,

Can we do it with a 1958 Edsel instead? Mister Wonderful got to drive one of those beautiful monsters a couple months ago -- not only would it impress the hell out of those Fermi bastards, but also there's plenty of room in the back to have sex with hot space chicks.

Here's the deal, though:

  • The reason Light can go the Speed of Light is that it doesn't have any mass.

  • When you try to accelerate something with mass, like oh, say, a rumbling death-love-mobile with fuzzy dice in the window, to those speeds, it requires energy.

  • And the funny thing is, the faster it goes, the heavier it gets, so the energy required goes up exponentially.

  • At the Speed of Light, it turns out that the mass is just about near-infinite and the energy required to keep accelerating is near-infinite, meaning that when you turn your lights on you suck out the last of the Universe's energy into yourself, ending all matter and motion, then rip through Reality like a hot rock through a wet paper bag, landing in a different quantum state and exploding, causing the beginning of a new universe (but possibly also this one).

I will not get into what will happen to you time-wise, but believe me, you won't know what hit you. I say go for it.