Mon, 03 Jul 2000

Mr. Wonderful,

I was watching Star Wars a few days ago, and started thinking what I would do if I had the Force. I decided that I would use the Force to get out of paying for anything. "Yes Mr. Gates, I think you'll be making a large donation to the James Willis is broke fund." Or, "You don't need to see my ID." (Plus I'd probably use it to pick up women. Float some people around, maybe fly a little. It's a fact that women like guys that can fly, look at David Copperfield.)

So my question to you is this. What would Wonderful do if he had the all powerful mojo of the Force?

James Willis.

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Dear Mace "Bad Ass" Windu,

Who says I don't already have the Force?

You know, while researching for this query, we here at the Labs watched a bit of Star Wars: EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE. It struck us that the Force seems more like a lounge act than anything useful, at least as it's used by the good guys. Vader's choking thing is pretty neat, and I recall that later on the Emperor can shoot lightning bolts. The Dark Side has a lot going for it. So what if it's going to dominate my destiny, I get some cool threads and the red lightsaber. Yeah, baby.

But here's my problem: The Death Star, right, is this massive battle station capable of destroying entire planets. At the end of the film, the rebels have fifteen minutes to blow it up before it zaps their base on the fourth moon of Yavin. They have this time because the Death Star has to come around Yavin to get a clear shot, as shown in the clunky graphic that Leia looks at. So... Why didn't the Empire just use their giant planet-killing beam on Yavin? Just get it out of the way, then take out the rebels. Actually, the explosion itself, coupled with the massive gravity disturbance, would be enough to throw the moon out of orbit and kill every last one of those whining royalist scum. Grand Moff Tarkin - not too bright.

In day to day life, I would mainly use the Force to open beer bottles and start the charcoal grill. The mind-control stuff only works on weak minds, so it wouldn't do me any good with the interesting chicks.

THE WONDERFUL IS STRONG IN THIS ONE

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