Thu, 09 Sep 1999

Dear Mister Wonderful,

Please explain what the hell is wrong with Jon Peters. Why the giant mechanical spider and Superman's apparent trip into limbo. What happened to the man who brought us Clue and the GOOD Batman flicks? Who made him go screwy? Was it Peter Guber, in the Batcave, with a contract signed by Schumacher?

Puking In My Popcorn


Dear Won't Smith,

No mystery here. The thing wrong with Jon Peters is that he is a producer in Hollywood. Nothing happened to him, he sucks! He has always sucked! He makes money the old fashioned way - with crap!


There has never been a good Batman film. Tim Burton didn't learn how to make movies until Ed Wood, Jack Nicholson is a bloated parody of himself, Michelle Pfeiffer is about as catlike as Yogi Bear, Tommy Lee Jones turned Two-Face into a bad Joker, don't get me started on Jim Carrey, the third one should have been Batman and Robin, and the fourth Batman IV-ever, nothing exciting happens in the first two, nothing plausible happens in the last two, Batman kills a couple people in Batman Returns, security in the Batcave seems about as tight as Jeff Stryker's sphincter, Michael Keaton is stiff as plank in the Batsuit, loose as a diarrhetic goose with his characterization, and godammit, where is Ace the Bathound?

Stop wallowing in false nostalgia. Stop waiting for corporate greedheads to fulfill your fantasies. Go out there and make your own life more interesting than the movies.