Wed, 02 May 2001

Dear Mr. Wonderful,

Who would win in a bar fight: The Terminator or Conan The Barbarian?

And, for my second, more important question:

Is SNL's Jack Handy a fictional character made up through the collaboration of many minds? Or is he a real person who sits around all day thinking up Deep Thoughts?

-Billy Pumpkinseed


Dear Sprout,

Honestly, I think Billy Zane looks really hot with no hair.

I know you didn't ask about that, but I figured since we were tossing non-sequiturs around I could get it off my chest. Thanks.

Conan the Barbarian is the Hyborean Ideal, destined to be king. He possesses the strength of a warrior and the cunning of a thief. The Terminator possesses some big-ass guns. It's a close call...

The Terminator beams back through time, naked and sparkly. He strides into the tavern and spies Conan hoisting a flagon of mead.

"Give me your loincloth," orders the humaniform robot.

"By Crom," mutters the Barbarian. "It's always something."

Reeling back from the bar, Conan draws his sword and begins a complex spinning display. The Terminator does some quick calculations, snatches a shot glass and throws it hard enough to shatter the steel blade in mid-swing. Conan howls with rage. Then burps. The Terminator moves relentlessly toward his intended loincloth, then slips on some blood from a previous encounter. Conan leaps like a tiger, muscles uncoiling smoothly, pinning the android to the bar floor. Reaching up, he takes an iron mug from a nearby table and quaffs deeply. Some of the overspill splashes onto the Terminator, the high alcohol content eating through his synthetic skin, and short-circuits the unstoppable fighting machine from the future. Conan keenly notices his opponent no longer moves and sets him on the far wall for dart practice.

Jack Handy thought up all the "Deep Thoughts" one July weekend in 1988 while baked out of his mind in his New York apartment. He sold them to Lorne Michaels for a pack of smokes and has not been seen since.