Thu, 02 Nov 2000

Dear Mister W.,

I have just moved to this fine country, and am proud to look from sea to shining sea by the dawn's early light, etc.

If Dubya becomes Prez, would it be wise to just leave before it completely turns into fascist shit? I'm old enough to remember idiot Reagan.

Patriotically,

Darth Nader

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Dear Amber Wayvzagreyn,

You foreigners are all alike. You get all freaked out when a diabolical cabal of shadowy war hawks with little morals and big wallets conspire to elect a drooling imbecile/puppet figure to the highest office in the land. Well, that's the way we do things around here! You don't like it, you can get back in your little car and drive to, drive to... well, Canada, I guess.

Kinda ran out of steam there.

George W. Bush is not a smart man. He is not a wise man, he is not an attractively witty man, he is not a shrewd man, he is, shall we say, intelligence-deficient; he does not have a brain cell to piss in. Let's agree on that. His apologists say that we are not just electing him, but also his advisors and cabinet and they will be the sort of brainiacs that made the 1980's so much fun to be poor and disenfranchised in, so that's all right. They'll even bring back John Hughes movies.

The thing is, morons are traditionally elected President. There has not been a decent thinker among them since John Adams. Lincoln does not make the grade, because I very much disapprove of this "We are a free country, but you're not allowed to leave, even if you vote on it" policy.

And yet the nation has survived. Maybe not all of the people in the nation. And maybe quite a few more of them have busted heads and syphilis. And the war hawks in their shadowy cabals crow for a time, waging secret wars on, while stealing money from, the people (the people would always rather have their money stolen by shadowy cabals than asked for outright by people just trying to do a decent thing. This is why people should not be allowed to vote). We good folk just hunker down for four years, then come out and blast 'em.

That's the American spirit. Poor, hungry folk sitting around Valley Forge in the dead of winter just getting meaner and meaner with every passing day until someone says it's okay to go out and get the bastards. So you can run and hide if you want, Johann-Come-Lately. Real Americans are always itching to fight fascists.

Especially when we know where they live.

I'M A YANKEE DOODLE WONDER

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