Thu, 04 Nov 2004
I've been asked to officiate at a friend's wedding ceremony. He's said that I can say a few words before the "Do you___? Do you___?" part. What on earth should I say?
Dear First of the Fallen,
Hold on. Before I get to your query - does this Presidency make me look fat? It's not what I ordered, but apparently they only send out one size. Something to do with the votes of slightly more than half the population - what they call the "Simple" majority.
Seems awfully odd to me, that is, Mister Wonderful. After all, when I visit the cinema and purchase a ticket to see Shaun of the Dead they don't replace it with Surviving Christmas if more seats are sold for that picture. My gods, more than half the population are women - does that mean we all have to have the capacity to bring new life into the world? I tried that. In Germany. Didn't go over well. Lots of screaming, rakes, torches, you know the drill.
Anyway. Point is. If my glass is 51% empty, I don't think that's any reason to try and say it's completely empty and ready for a full-size Bullshit Martini.
So. Marriage. Here's a Wonderful notion, and may it serve you well: Be honest.
"Hi. I could use a snack. Anyone else want a snack? It's gonna be like an hour before we get into the hall, so you might as well speak up now."
And then you just go with the flow. Marriage is tough enough. Don't need no preacher putting idealistic pressure on it. "Your fights are always about stupid shit; here's hoping you realize it within a half hour." "Kids, Movies, Sex... you get to pick any two." "You in the audience, stop crying. This isn't sad or beautiful - it's legal. You want to cry, go to an AIDS hospice. You want beauty, come with us to the museum. But fuck off with your antiquated notion that the bride has just been sold into the hands of barbarians. This guy owns a hybrid car."
"Would anyone like a last fuck at these two?" is only acceptable in certain Renn Faire cum Baptist congregations.