Tue, 11 Mar 2003

O Great and Wise Wonderful,

Apart from the sex, why do people need (or want) to have "relationships"? I have recently realized that they are entirely unnecessary - can you give me one good reason why I am wrong?

Humbly Yours,

She loves me not


Dear Tom Cruise,

My dear, dear boy. Using a relationship for the sex is like purchasing a Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster for the cigarette lighter.

It seems obvious to us that you are a man who has never known the joys of awakening on a cold winter morning to discover you need to shoot your way out a bank heist what has gone rapidly south through no fault of your own or of your carefully drafted plan of fiscal liberation while wearing a pink ninja outfit which, while it seemed integral to the initial scheme and leant an amusing "retro-kitsch" dimension to the whole affair, now seems disastrously faux pas-ish in a whole "escape" dimension and the crystal shots of Icelandic vodka you enjoyed to celebrate the success of Stage One: "The Aristocratic Arrival" are affecting a certain sloppiness to your aim, further emboldening the approaching forces of thuggish capitalist peeg darkness when a whisper of silk and a terse "Stay down, my love," accompanies the faint scent - like dusk entwined with cordite - that slipstreams over your head and you know, know utterly and with the calm of a Canadian Buddhist, that your way will soon be clear and your hands will soon be gripping the wheel of freedom. Not to mention the pigtails of liberation.

Friend, relationships are about having the back of someone who always has your back.

The Spartans knew this. Their warriors were the finest army on the Greek peninsula, stronger in spirit than even the innumerable Persian hordes - thanks to mutual respect and romantic love. Well, that and the buggery. Obviously. I'm certainly not saying that every successful relationship needs buggery.... Then again, it couldn't hurt. Well, no, I mean, obviously it could hurt, but I - you know what? Forget it.

I’m not going to get all bent out of shape over anal sex. That's what I have interns for.

To explain things later in a press release, you ninnies.

Anyway. Point is. Most people don't have relationships. They have "relating-at"s, and you are correct in noting the pointlessness of that folderol. Why do human beings treat each other as objects and merely relate-at rather than experience a literally divine consumation/expansion?

They have forgotten how Wonderful they truly are.

Don't let it happen to you.

WONDERFUL LABS - Wear The Lab Coat That Has A Heart On