Thu, 21 Aug 2003
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
Wesley, the Dread Pirate Roberts versus Captain Jack Sparrow. Who would win? Also, could we arrange for the contest to be mud wrestling?
Love and stuff,
Dear Queen Anne's Damp Revenge,
Cary Elwes and Johnny Depp? Mud wrestling? Are you crazy, woman? It's clear that this situation calls for hot oil wrestling.
You fetch the grog; I'll hoist my jib.
TWO PIRATES walk into a baaargh.
Bartender says, "If you guys are pirates, where are your hooks? Where's the parrot? Where's the eyepatch? Why are you wearing shiny red shirts and carrying tambourines?"
"Let this be a warnin' to ye," says one of the pirates. "We've just returned from Davey Jones' Locker."
Let's face it, sunshine, this one's over before the poop hits the deck: Captain Jack Sparrow could kick Wesley's ass all over the high seas. Why?
He cheats. He cheats early, he cheats often, and he cheats well. The Dread Pirate Roberts gag is nice for duping Spaniards, but if Mister Love Conquers All goes up against a rusty saber and a cannon full of smallpox-ridden voodoo-cursed spikes, he's got about as much chance as Captain Eo.